I looked up from my book, it had been several days, due to me going into hiding during the magic anon incident. I could always be found in the library of our house, I saw the room as where I personally lived, surrounded by my books. Often, I would spend the entire day curled up on the window seat, reading. Indeed I considered myself to live in this room alone more than anywhere else in the house. Today was no different.
“So, yes… I have thought about it. I think, Ravyn, I need more time to make that kind of a decision. Not to think, but sort of… I want to let things kind of balance out. I do not even know where Eddie and I are going at this point. So it is not only my future with you that I am ruminating over. I would prefer to lie low for a little while and let everyone calm down, and then see, if that is all right with you.
Would you like to sit?” I inquired, drawing my legs up gingerly, the joints still hurting. “I could read to you, if you would like.”
She nods and sits, not on the seat, but rather on the floor beside. “I understand. It’s fine, of course.” Curling up and laying her head on her knees, she closes her eyes and softly murmurs, “I’d like that. I like when you read to me.”
“… Ravyn… I need to speak to you, I need you to just… take it… please… and please realize that if I cry, have an outburst, yell… anything… that it is not directed at you… please… just… listen…”
I sat down in the corner of the room, curling up. I pressed my back against the wall firmly, and rested my head back against it as I let my eyes flutter shut.
“… None of what is wrong with me has been about you… When I am hurt, I clamp up. I completely withdraw, speaking of the aftermath of this… mess. As for previous to that, I will go ahead and explain my conflict.
“I associate women with my Grandmother and thus, avoid them. You’ve always been… different, however. But just… living with you closed in tensions and would draw up this wide generalization that I have due to my past… It is admittedly for both, a defect. However, being an introvert, I withdraw to deal more with the issue quietly and alone. Put space between the conflict and myself. It is a wise method, and it works, Ravyn, unfortunately, you were that conflict.
“I do have problems understanding women, because really, you are all strange to us men, but it is also because I have vastly generalized from the only female schema I was really ever able to form as a child: my grandmother.
“Essentially, I’m pulling myself back and forth here, wanting to trust and to love, but terrified of being hurt. Edward leaving also made this issue worse, which is why it was never a problem before… This conflict has been developing for a long time, Ravyn… a very long time. It’s just… I never really noticed it before because it was not… well… in my face, as it is when you are living with someone.
“The mood swings, while I know very well were completely out of your control, were very triggering for me. Every time that happened… it pushed me more and more away from you…
“… I… I am terrified of you… Ravyn… but it is not because of you, or your gender… it is because even as a boy… I was taught that women were unpredictable, violent, cruel… that they would hurt me… I swear I never wanted to push you away… Ever. I wanted to protect you from… my problems… from being scorned by me because I can’t take it, I just can’t, Ravyn. You have no idea how hard it is, and how can you? No one understands, no one can be expected to, no one ever will… save Jon…”
I broke off, sobbing, to take a break from it. I needed to exclude the emotion. It made me weak, clouded my logic, my reasoning.
After several moments, I spoke up again, “… Jon… With Jon… please… try to understand… The need I have for unconditional empathy and acceptance… I’m sorry, but I can’t get that from anyone else, I just can’t.
“He knows everything, he has been through everything I have, he knows everything I have experienced. He is me but… different… he is stronger than me. His walls are still intact… He is even willing to kill anyone, should they harm me, despite his reformation… yet he can also be so gentle that he can reach the core of my personality and care for it… no matter how infantile…
“… I am in love with him… I will admit it to you… because you know how weak I can be… I am more in love with him than I have ever loved anyone, even Edward… I feel that… if I could… I would intertwine myself with him… mold into him and mesh myself to become… the same person… physically as well. He understands me deeper than I ever believed possible… However… he will not have me… and it is pointless for me to continue on like this… I do not need to appear any weaker to him.” I murmured, sniffling as I looked down. I was still curled up, pressed against my corner, knees pressed against my chest as I breathed in and out quietly.
*She sits silent for a moment, thinking over his words* I see. I wish you had told me this sooner, or even just said you need some time away. I felt like you had found something better in Eddy and Doctor Crane, and decided that I was no longer needed. It really hurt me, Jonathan.
I’ve never thought of women as being so very different from men, myself, but I can assure you that I love and trust and can be hurt just like you. My emotions are no different from yours, save perhaps the reasoning behind them, and there is reasoning behind them. I don’t cry out of nowhere, just like I don’t laugh or love out of nowhere either. Please know that if you don’t understand why I’m acting a certain way, you can ask me. You can always ask me, and I promise to do my best to explain.
I understand dealing with the abuses of the past and how difficult it can be. I’m…trying to deal with some of my own now. If you need to be away, need to be with just Doctor Crane or Eddy sometimes, I understand that. I need time alone sometimes too. If you…if you need me to live in the guest house, to help you feel safer; I understand that too, though it would hurt me being away from you and Eddy.
I have just…one request. I’m willing to give you time, and space…I don’t fault your need for Doctor Crane, or the feelings you have for him…All I ask is that you think for a little while, give it a day or two…and if you don’t think that you can treat me the same as you do Eddy, if you don’t think that there will come a day that you can love me and be near me and not be ashamed or afraid…then for the both of us, I ask that you end it. I’m not saying I don’t love you, or that I don’t want to be with you. I’m saying that I don’t want to hurt you anymore…and I don’t want to be hurt anymore either.
If you do think that one day, eventually, things can be good between us again; that we can have a healthy relationship where no one is hiding or hurting and we can talk and share, all three of us…then I’ll wait for you. Just…think about it, please.
Anonymous asked you: What if your babys are born deformed and stuff??
((By the time any such deformity would be visible it would have to either pose a serious risk to Ravyn’s life, or both fetuses would have to die at such a stage where they would begin to decompose in the womb (thus posing a risk to her life, as that would lead to a severe infection) before any doctor would consider performing an abortion.
To the Anon: Physical deformity is generally lower on a potential parents’ concerns, and quite a bit less likely in the Russian Roulette that is genetics, than a mental disability or disorder. If you were to look at both Jonathan and Ravyn’s genetic histories, physically both are healthy human specimens (meaning no physical deformities, nor any history of such in their families so far as I am aware.).
Mentally, these two host between them multiple disorders, several of which are of a genetic predisposition. A simple list of what the children could end up being born with is as follows:
- Attention Deficit Disorder (Ravyn)
- Chronic Depression (both)
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (both, I believe)
- Social Anxiety Disorder (both)
- Some form of Dissociative Disorder (Ravyn, possibly Jonathan as well)
Note that this is based only on what I know of my own character and what I’ve noticed in Jonathan. The RPer for that account could give a more complete listing as far as Jonathan’s disorders go. Obviously none of those disorders are visible on an ultrasound, nor is there any accurate way at present of telling which disorders, if any, an infant will end up with. As such, this is something that every potential parent should consider before deciding to have a child.
The question asked, however, was what would happen if the babies were born deformed, which implies a deformity discovered post child-birth. In which case the answer, anon, would be that both Ravyn and Jonathan would love them and take care of them as best as is humanly possible, as any good parent would.))
doctor-crane asked: *Takes deep breaths, having taken quite some time to soothe myself. Whether by my own stubborn disposition or desire to end the beating of this dead horse. "... Ravyn... please... I want things to get some sense of normalcy... I want to throw your baby shower... I want to take you to your appointments... I want us both to get all sappy over ultrasounds... Please, let me fix this? I am begging you... /please/..." And I was, as much as it was mutilating my pride.
*She closes her eyes, knowing that this will be a struggle, that she can’t just go back to how things were, can’t hide all the damage inside of her anymore now that it’s out.* …I want that too, Jonathan. I’m willing to try.
doctor-crane asked: *Flinches.* ... N-no... *Draw my knees up to my chest, tucking my head down.* ... Random... was right... I... I am a heartless bastard... Heartless... Bastard... *Starts rocking back and forth slowly, unresponsive, humming Hush Little Baby. I had been stupid. Again.*
*Just silently bows her head, being a good little slave.*
doctor-crane asked: *Flinches, fidgeting.* ... What bad habits... what bad things...? *Whispers again, not daring to meet your gaze.* ... Was I right...? Will it never be the same as it was again...?
…You have neglected me. When was the last time you hugged me. Me, not my abdomen, not the babies. Do you know? It was before I got pregnant. Two months now, and the only cuddling you do is when you’re bonding with them.
I know that you’re private, but when you’re willing to say “Eddy is my boyfriend” but you can’t seem to say “and Ravyn is my girlfriend”…that hurts. I feel like you’re ashamed of me, and that makes me ashamed of myself. I feel like I need to change my gender to be what you want. Is that it? Would you prefer I do that after the babies are born?
The same…no, I hope it won’t. I hope it will be better than that, Jonathan.
doctor-crane asked: ... So you are agreeing that I am, essentially, a bad person?
Why do you put words in my mouth? You assume the worst with everything I say. No, I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think you have bad habits. I think you’ve done bad things.
I think you’re a good person, despite that.
doctor-crane asked: *Whispers.* Please... Ravyn... I'm sorry... I am not... they way you want me... to be... /Who/ you want me to be... But... is... isn't that what i means to love someone...? Loving who they are... good and bad...?
Loving who they are, yes. I love you, no matter what. Love doesn’t mean accepting ill treatment. Love means compromise and working to become a unified whole that can stand against anything the world can throw at you. A true relationship will look at criticism and say “No. I know you’re wrong, because I know them, and they know me, and we discuss our problems and work to fix them,” and means it.
*Looks up at him* I love who you are, even the bad, but that doesn’t make it less bad.
doctor-crane asked: *Closes my eyes tightly, whispers.* ... Do you still love me... Ravyn?
Till all the stars fall from the sky, Jonathan. *Doesn’t smile or hug him as she would have before, but she still means it just as much*
doctor-crane asked: Just... Just whatever you wish... Nothing more formal than Jonathan... though... if you still feel comfortable...? Though... I doubt you do... *Looks down, doubting you are very fond of me anymore.*
As you wish, Jonathan. *Makes no response to the rest as it seemed to be more him musing to himself.*
A Little Bit On The Epic Gaming Room Side: This perfect gamer cave belongs to 16bitghost. Dude basically owns every console which makes his life pretty much 100% more fulfilling than yours.
Here’s a 12-minute tour of the pad:
(via Geekologie)
WHAT CAN I SAY OR DO TO MAKE YOU MARRY ME?!?!?!
ohhhh.. oh my
Oh my god I think I just cried a little.
This is what Edward’s game room looks like, isn’t it? Only more green, I bet.
doctor-crane asked: Ravyn... You do not have to call me sir, all right? You may call me whatever you'd like. "Heartless bastard" is I believe, how Random termed it. Even though I am obviously not. *Takes a deep breath, soothing myself before the edge to my voice can really be noticed at the mentioning of Random.*
*Bows her head* What name will please you, sir? Anything to please you.
doctor-crane asked: *Sits down slowly next to you on the floor, planning my words out carefully, sounding very much as I did years ago when speaking.* How are you feeling? Any better?
It’s getting easier, sir. I’m remembering my lessons, it makes it easier to be good, sir.
doctor-crane asked: ... Ravyn... I... I am sorry... May we talk? Please?
*Looks up at him, kneeling on the floor with her hands laying palms up on her lap* Yes, sir.
